Summerica

Back Again and Back Again

2006-08-29T01:20:14Z

Well, school’s... back again. I ought to be writing a story right now, but I’m not. Life’s funny like that. Oh well, I guess if I look past the couple times I felt a strong urge to put a drill to my head, the whole day wasn’t so god awful. (That’s probably a filthy lie, by the way.) If I could interact properly with other human beings that would probably help, but life is funny in that way too.

I keep getting looks at school. I think it might be the haircut... maybe people aren’t used to it or something. Hopefully it’s nothing bad. There’s only so much I can take before I start worrying that I have something on my face.

I keep feeling these strong cravings to play in the wonderful world Morrowind, but then I remember that my graphics card hasn’t worked since I had to replace the motherboard. Upon this realization, I kind of scoot over to the corner and take up the fetal position until I fall asleep. I want to play Oblivion and Fable so much that I can’t even really hold any sort of rational thought anymore. Ug, talking about that reminded me how much I want to play Dirge of Cerberus, too. Why must my thought process be so cruel?

Anyway, because someone I mildly trust recommended it (and because I really needed a break from Anne Rice’s bizarre world of increasingly homosexual vampire chronicles) I started reading the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. Last night I got about halfway through the first book and I have my doubts about the series, but I’ll stick it out for a lack of anything better to do. He said that I would like a character that debuts in the third book, so meh. (Yes, I honestly couldn’t think of another word besides “meh.”)

I wish I had some deep revelation to share with you all, but I’m really not in peak form at the moment. Earlier today I sat in my room and kept myself occupied with a tape measure for almost ten minutes. Knowing your measurements can make you feel kind of depressed. I don’t know, I think it’s something about confirming that no, you do not have a fifteen inch waist. Oh well, I guess I should be glad I actually have some kind of figure and I’m not just a rectangle. Too bad most guys seem to like the rectangle look. Eh, que sera sera. I’m pretty shallow myself. It's a odd sort of shallow though. There's not really any definition for what I find attractive, but at the same time I'm picky. Ah, complicated.

Amen.

2006-08-17T18:02:10Z

Dear God,

Let me sleep, or I will kill this rabbit.

With love,
Erica

So there's this gazebo...

2006-08-17T02:59:37Z

The last couple of days I got about as much sleep as one of those cocaine addicts. Drifting into that level of consciousness where you are just awake enough to realize, “Oh fiddles, it’s four in the morning and I can’t really recall resting,” or something of the nature. I’m sure the exact diction of the situation varies from person to person, but I suppose that’s not precisely the point here; if there even truly is one in this mess of insanity I call my gray matter.

When I was in that white gazebo of my half consciousness where I could still see the faint red light of my clock against the shadows of all the random junk in my room, I thought about some things. I would give you a topic if I could, but it really wasn’t any one thing in particular. I still was not quite asleep, but my heartbeat had slowed enough where things did not quite hurt as much. For a while I just sort of traced the outline of the gazebo with my eyes. I wanted to sit up and look at what was outside, if it really was just the red shadows, but I knew that the lucidness of it was still too weak and such movement would cause me to wake fully. So I just kind of thought.

I remembered this one time when two of my friends were having an argument. The gazebo rearranged itself somehow in order to replicate that house, with the four stools and a high table, right beside a drape-covered window. Lots of deep maroon and dark wood, serious but not forceful, just like the dispute. Just one of those days that felt like maybe things would have just been better if you stayed under your warm comforter, and what on earth were you doing there, of all places? At the same time, the sheer stupidity of the situation somewhat felt like a comforter in its own peculiar way, and I had said so in a slightly simpler way, though the words are lost to me now. Three of them just kind of stared at me, since what I said had nothing to do with the particular “now” that they were in, but the fourth just smiled and said, “I’m glad,” like maybe my out of place and time comment made any sort of sense. Strange how things can be too early and too late, right at the same time, isn’t it?

Back to my imaginary wooden gazebo. It was still fairly early in the morning, but by now I knew it was too late for a good night’s rest. I probably spent around twenty minutes pondering the pros and cons of getting up for a glass of water. I really ought to keep a water bottle in my room, you know. I thought about how odd it would be if one could switch bodies. I thought how I could be more outgoing if I pulled it off, but I couldn’t quite fathom why. It started raining, though I have no clue if it was for real or if I was just conjuring it up to keep my other dreamlike objects company. Probably the latter, since the gazebo grew shutters to keep me dry. Why would I be more outgoing if I were someone else though? Would it be because I wouldn’t be me? I thought that was strange, because of course I would still be “me,” even with a new body. Maybe that was not what I thought “me” was, maybe I saw “me” as how other people saw “me,” which would still be my old body. Strange, I thought I never cared beyond just the idea of keeping bridges open. If that was the case, if “me” was based in other peoples’ heads, then I was not “me.” Funny how things turn out. I am not I.

If I am not I, then I wonder who I am. Who is the “me”? I couldn’t focus, like someone blocked my thoughts, so I took a detour as the sun started to rise. That was odd, seeing it rain and the sun rise all at once. I guess nature couldn’t figure out what it was either. I thought about everyone else’s self. I wondered if maybe people weren’t so different from 3-D venn diagrams. Parts of a bigger whole, like a solar system rather than a particular star. It’s kind of obvious how some people overlap each other, almost to the point where I almost call them by the wrong name. Now, I’m not saying people aren’t different, but it’s kind of like different mixtures of the three primary colors.

So perhaps that’s why I am not “me.” Such a singularity never existed. I think that’s good, though, because if something should ever happen then hopefully people will be able to sew the fabric back together. Just one thread shouldn’t hurt anything beyond repair.

Well, not unless you’re a knot. Devil have pity if I’m anyone’s knot.

Erica is... lame.

2006-08-14T04:30:44Z

Being the little conformist that I am, I decided to do this "Googling" that all the kids at the hip parties are raving about. Let's see what the cruel world has to say about me:

Erica is her own hero. (Yay, superpowers!)
Erica is one of the original bees. (Yay, originality!)
Erica is a saucy tart who needs punishment. (Yay, fetishes!)
Erica is the oldest. (Yay, senility!)
Erica is the one on the left. (Yay, direction!)
Erica is 18? (Yay, legality!)
Erica is a software system for holding transport origin. (Yay, usefulness!)
Erica is now known in Zimbabwe as a gwenyambira. (Yay, culture!)
Erica is terrified of her real self. (Yay, psychosis!)
Erica is a very good violinist. (Yay, talent!)
Erica is concerned. (Yay, emo-ness!)
Erica is the eye. (Yay, omniscience!)
Erica is in negotiating on behalf of others. (Yay, mediators!)
Erica is a very attractive woman. (Yay, confidence!)
Erica is greatly concerned. (Yay, uber-emo-ness!)
Erica is situated in a large woodland area with interesting walks. (Yay, scenery!)
Erica is a beautiful woman with shapely long legs and a terrific bottom. (Yay, perverts!)
Erica is the one to see about finances. (Yay, stability!)
Erica is a cutie. (Yay, lolita-dom!)
Erica is in great pain. (Yay, suffering!)
Erica is not alone. (Yay, stalkers!)
Erica is a pleasing addition when used in flower arrangements. (Yay, togetherness!)
Erica is doing much better. (Yay, recovery!)
Erica is initially reluctant. (Yay, caution!)
Erica is the owner. (Yay, pwned!)

Now for a random screenshot...

The Eternal Battle

2006-08-12T09:17:23Z

Come on people. It's a dragon versus a turtle.

K: and no more charizards
K: blastoise pwns charizard
E: (._.)
K: just face it
E: untrue
K: water > fire
K: blastoise > charizard
E: i hold the power to cancel downloads
K: ...
K: you wouldn't
E: fire can evaporate water
E: it's the lack of oxygen that hurts it
K: not my blastoise's water attacks
E: not the water
E: oooo, BUBBLE
E: i'm SO AFRAID of the BUBBLE ATTACK
K: hey now no dissing his attacks
E: GOD HELP ME
K: what about ... surf? and the water guns?
E: THERE ARE BUBBLES EVERYWHERE
E: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
E: oh lordy
K: pshhh
K: alright bedtime for me
E: well, good night chumychumuffinbatter
K: goodnight chumbuddy
E: don't let the bubbles get you
K: ...

eriako @ 2006-08-07T19:22:00

2006-08-08T00:26:43Z

Lord on high.

My father came back to celebrate my birthday so now my mum is on edge like she has been marked for death by ninjas. It is not really my fault, but I guess that does not matter when you are being blamed for it, right? Although, it was funny, right when I was about ready to just mope today away, one of my friends got to me first. Some of those guys are amazingly accurate without even making a move. That’s our strong point though, I suppose. Oi, I am not crazy about it, but maybe I should try celebrating again. The human voice might yet be my favorite instrument. Eh, that's probably a filthy lie. And I quite dislike cake.

Speaking of going back down some ancient paths, I was thinking about finding my old keyboard and seeing if I was still any good. If I ever was. Yesterday I sort of pulled a half smile when I realized I was absentmindedly patting out the keys to the Mexican Hat Dance. When I tripped in the storage room I landed on a box full of some old sheet music so I don’t know. Really though, nostalgia was the entire reason why I stopped... so having it be the reason why I start again seems so ironic.

Ah, this isn’t like me. Hell be the past and heaven my future.

(Maybe I’ll learn the Naruto soundtrack, just to tick everyone off.)

I Have A Flower In My Hair

2006-07-31T03:30:17Z

France amused me, but onto a bigger topic. Why the heck do my goldfish keep eating each other? Bongo was my favorite one too... poor little guy. That one fish from South Park keeps coming into my mind whenever I’m down here with these guys late at night. I’m just waiting for Gold to start leaving ominous messages in blood. Lord have mercy. They ate his eyes!

Well, besides the fish skeleton ordeal, it would seem a couple other storms occurred while I was abroad, but oh well. It seems like that always happens around my birthday. I haven’t in good faith been able to look forward to it. Age has always been mildly useless to me anyway. That’s why I decided to stop formally celebrating it a few years back. Obviously I’m not yet satisfactory enough to keep people from arguing for even a couple hours. Ah, I say that but I don’t want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation, either. I must admit I like so many various things, at least more so than the usual person, so I suppose that this kind of... unfortunate circumstance would arise. At least I get the rare chance to converse with faraway friends. I’m not really a party person, anyway. But who really cares?

Sitting outside in the lovely hundred-degree weather, I was pondering about the Ten Commandments. Back when I was smaller than my mother, many a year ago, she used to always say that there would not be any problems in the world if everyone would just follow those laws. That, in turn, made me think about how many battles are fought on the base of religion. I always thought most people were zealots in their own way. People are just strange that way. I guess narrow-minded would be best word for it all, but I guess most people cannot survive without some kind of belief that would justify their existence. I’m too apathetic to worry about those kinds of things, but I came to the conclusion that if everyone on the planet were to agree on a single set of ten laws, then we probably wouldn’t even need them anymore.

Honestly, I don’t think people need to keep learning about what is wrong, but more about what helps others. Oi. I cannot comprehend why people got such a wonderful gift as the history left by their predecessors and yet they refuse to make use of it for common things. Thousands of years and hardly a bloody thing to show for it.

Off To Pillage

2006-07-10T04:20:10Z

Tomorrow I will be on a plane to the French lands. I doubt I will update until I get back, because God help me if I go to Europe just to hang out at an internet café. An arcade I do, perhaps, but not an internet café. Yes, most of my time will be spent trying to track down specific overpriced souvenirs that I could easily find on Google. Alas, my relatives are a vicious bunch, and even mean to torture me across the vast waters of the Atlantic Ocean. I have to find peach tea, a poster of something Monet and five whales-worth of chocolate, not even to mention a plethora of postcards that would make a even a seasoned mailman weep. I don’t even know half the people and for God’s sake I’m only going to be gone ten days. I was mildly contemplating just jumping off the Eiffel tower since it’s the last place we’re going, but someone informed me that they have rails or something now. Buggers.

Nah, I wouldn’t kill myself before I got to see the new pirate movie. I love how much society has glorified such an awful group of people. I wanted to go see it before I left but I never got a chance thanks to certain people and their not wearing of watches. At least I got a milkshake. Milkshakes are pretty good.

So... I feel so sorry for everyone who is going to have to put up with me for the next few days. I’m going to get about three hours of sleep and then have to go about forty hours before I see a bed. If I don’t stab some poor bystander with a pen and start strangling them with their own innards, it will be a miracle. It’s not so much the lack of sleep as it is the lack of movement for eleven hours while being tired. It’s going to be like one long chemistry class, where you have nothing whatsoever to stimulate you, but you can’t just nod off either. Once I actually spent forty minutes talking about an invisible quacking moose. It’s times like these where I wish I hadn’t left my Gameboy in the sunlight until it melted.

Oh well. If I decide to run away with gypsies, keep your hands off my things. Seriously. I already gave it all the cool stuff to someone else.

I'm Just Going To Go Play SSB Melee

2006-07-06T01:32:07Z

So, my knee hurts like a lead pipe upside the head. You know, I’m half tempted to look into this whole cane business. Even if it doesn’t help the pain, I can still swing it around and frighten small children. That’s some good wholesome fun, that is.

The ending of the Evangelion series... is beyond my ability of description. I believe my words upon seeing the credits were more or less, “What in the hell was that?” I’m not one to knock the psychological speculation and open endings, but you see, there’s this thing called “closure.” If I didn’t know better, I would still be waiting for a second season because literally everything outside Shinji’s head was left up in the air. I understand that they needed to explain the project and they did a good job, but it seemed like the storyboard just decided “to hell with it all” and left to go get tacos. Honestly, the “second” ending wasn’t much better. If you’ve seen Wolf’s Rain, well, that’s what happened. You... you don’t do that. Bad Japan! Bad! Of course, maybe I’m just bitter about what they did to Kaoru. What was the point of that? Why do I always have to like the characters with the short life spans? I mean I’m still irked with L and the whole Death Note situation.

Oh, yes. Just on a side note, don’t throw firecrackers into bonfires, and no, I wasn’t the one who did it. Don’t put them in your friend’s gas tank either. *cough*

My muse seems to have gone on another one of those video game binges, so I’ve been doing a lot of that fan art that makes me feel like amputating my hands just a little. Even worse, I’ve been doing it on actual paper, since I haven’t kept up the monthly sacrifices to my printer so it stopped working. That’s right, my printer is fueled by pure evil, an evil that comes in six outrageously priced colors, an evil that keeps me from printing if even ONE FREAKING COLOR IS OUT. Now, I could just suck it up and buy the evil seventy-dollar refill pack from the evil internet, but I could also spend that money on sweet, sweet milkshakes and bug my parentals until they either buy it or kill themselves and let me collect the life insurance, which hopefully I wouldn’t completely blow on milkshakes and Reese’s flurries.

I know... I don’t have a soul.

Night Telegram

2006-07-04T06:55:45Z

Learn to walk before you fly. I will bet you that most people would suffer vertigo because their souls are too heavy to lift off. You know, it’s not like that’s such a bad thing. The more down you are, the more opportunities you have to develop your value. Does life have value at the beginning? I think new life has potential, which may be even greater than existing value, all because of the hope that is unique because it seems to be the only thing we truly believe in without having to see it. Seriously, what is it about flying that fascinates humans so? People always want the thing they can’t have; the hope to attain everything. Desire leads to hell, you know. If you acquired everything that boredom would be hell, too. Feel free to ignore me, though, because it’s not like I really care either way. What ticks me off is that’s probably just a lie. Not even knowing what I want is most likely my own circle of hell.

Maybe I’m one of those scums who look down on company but loathe being alone.

Come around and say you love me, then. Confirm my existence. Make it so when I die, I won’t be gone.

Maybe I’m one of those idiots who would kill themselves just to say, “Screw you!” to death.

Nah, I’ve got plenty of company, for better or worse. People listen to the dead more than teenage girls.

No one is greater than anyone else if you’re objective. You’ll all still die from a bullet to the head. Isn’t it amazing how your psyche can make up all the things that it does? It’s because no one is objective. Objectivity doesn’t exist any more than unicorns do. I severely doubt people truly want absolute truth. People just want proof to support their truths. My parents always search my room looking for something, anything that could give them some reason to look down on me. They want proof to support that I need them. Honestly, how childish can they be... it’s not like it would anything opportune to strike out on my own right now. I’m not letting them pay for college, which annoyed my mother to no end recently. That side of the family is looking for anything that would tie me down to them, since I am the oldest of my generation and have been groomed to take over the affairs with the passing of my grandparents, which will most likely occur in another fifteen years, but I have no intention of being this anachronism forever. Jake is the one who’s after it, and he’s only a year behind me in age. Maybe if he managed to get better than a “D” at his academy then they would be a little more inclined to let him handle things, because the “truth” is that they don’t like me. Only one more year of this stuff. One. One. One. After that, I can go out and look for a family of mutual choosing, or I can just let myself be with a house full of plants and a pet cat. Not right away though, because these things take some careful time.

It’s kind of amusing how people can mistake feelings. Learn to feel before you speak.

Urge To Kill

2006-06-27T01:54:29Z

Despite my pleas about not feeling well, my mother woke me up early and made me go shopping. It’s not that I hate going to the mall... mostly, but lord knows all I really wanted to do today was sleep, not freaking bra shopping. Oh well, Victoria’s Secret’s new bra is actually pretty comfortable. Ah, this is a bit of a strange topic so I’ll just move on.

So sleepy... bah. When the modest amount of sleep I do actually get is threatened, I become quite disagreeable to be around. Imagine a zombie on steroids, and that might come kind of close to what I’m like. You’re probably thinking, “But Erica, it’s not like you’re a ray of sunshine and fairy dust normally,” but believe me, it gets oh so much worse. People never seem to want to be the one who wakes me up. My parents used to... well, my mother still does... just kind of yell and throw soft things at me so they wouldn’t be within my “strangle” reach. Mm, I just noticed that one of my arms smells slightly of plastic. That’s bizarre.

Someone at the mall called me “some scene college kid” and that made my day like you wouldn’t believe. X3 Oh Eri, you’re so scene!

My senior picture thing is tomorrow... GAH!!! That means I have to wake up early again. The urge to kill is rising to unprecedented levels this week. I don’t want to be in the yearbook and if I wanted a picture of myself I would just ask one of my friends to take one. I don’t want to go back to Boylan over the summer... *whines* Yes, I’m not very photogenic most of the time; it’s just part of being a hideous monster, I suppose.

I want to meet someone who I can catch head banging to the Arctic Monkeys, because that would make me smile really big. Actually, I wouldn’t mind meeting someone who just plain likes them, since it seems like I am the only one who does sometimes. A lot of people say that if you like something, then who cares if anyone else likes it, but sometimes you just kind of want to, well, kind of share the things that make you happy. It’s just something I used to like to do, I guess. It’s a good thing I’m quiet, because I would probably be pretty annoying if I wasn’t.

Random Fact #1: My first words were at my second birthday party and they were “May I please have a glass of water?” I knew how to talk before then because I used to use sign language, but I never felt like actually saying things, apparently. Thirst can make people do crazy things.

Doctor's Bane

2006-06-26T04:20:39Z

I think I’m going to throw up. (^_^)

Oh well, my being sick is no new thing. My body lacks the will to be healthy. It just doesn’t like me very much, you know. I suppose it cannot be helped. My doctors are about ready to kill me off and call it a day, probably. I’m drinking more water though, so that’s good. Maybe soon I’ll be able to hold down those stupid supplements that I am supposed to take since my body is too retarded to work right on its own. Okay, enough complaining...

I want a kaleidoscope really badly. I had a neat one, but I gave it away. I don’t regret that, but I still sort of want one. The person I gave it to said I was a lot like a kaleidoscope, but I don’t really understand completely...

Dot, dot... dot. Peace be with you, cause believe me kiddies, you're going to need it.

Prolly Couldn't See

2006-06-25T00:27:53Z

Apologizing for not caring, what a paradox. I smile whenever I do because I like to smile and I do not get much of a chance to anymore. It is not that I need rose-tinted glasses to see the beauty of it all, I see it, but I’m sorry. Ne.

I should probably start to work on my summer homework. Studying is fun, analyzing and learning, but going to school is something I loathe. I don’t have any particularly strong feelings towards the people or anything; it is just that I learn better by myself. Hearing what other people think is interesting but my schoolmates never really discuss things at any level of depth so I get so bored that I just kind of wander off and hold my own theoretical discussions. When I was younger I used to try and start discussions, but no one followed me and they just eventually didn’t pay attention.

I’m just not really that friendly. Actually, I probably come off as distant and, well, weird. Though, if I acted any different, it would still be that way. Depending on who I am with my personality changes a little bit, but I still am essentially the same awkward child. I say child, because can you really picture me as a parent? Little half-Erica’s… wow. It’s a little difficult to imagine without knowing the other half of the chromosome set. Don’t get me wrong, though, I would make a terrible mother and I’ve never really enjoyed kids, so bah.

Nah, I’m fine being the loner type. Being able to meet someone that played with my hair and said my existence was all they would ever need, well, that’s enough and it is more than someone such as me deserves. I’ve never felt lonely. On the off chance that I might meet someone who also says, “Your existence makes me happy,” then that’s wonderful, but really, I’m fine like this.

Ah, this entry isn’t going to make much sense to most of you. I just wanted to get it out, I guess. Not like any of my other ramblings make any sense, either.

Eri Likes Teh Sweater-ness

2006-06-24T01:39:58Z

*sighs* I'm still not done designing the new layout for my site. Well, I am, but I'm still not happy with it. I believe this is the sixth failure. Mm, I cannot wait till I can just code it and shove it up onto my domain. Despite the traffic I still get, I feel that my site is dead without some kind of upheaval every once in a while. That... and I was just getting annoyed with the rude e-mails. It's not like this is my job. Actually, even if it were my job, I would probably chuck something hard at these people.

You know, it's actually pretty rare for someone to get into an argument with me. Odd. JJ said it is because I don't get upset. *shrug*

I talked on my phone for too long this afternoon and have that kink my neck. Talking on the phone isn't something I enjoy doing, but I suppose sometimes it cannot be helped. Talking in general, really... oh well. Everyone gets so caught up in things they cannot do well that they miss their good points. How strange it is, thinking that maybe someone out there is a little envious of something I might do. Sort of arrogant, I know, but it is a nice feeling.

The trip to France is getting closer. My family is a little ticked that I am not excited yet... but it's not like they are the ones paying for it. I want to discuss a few things with the person who did, but the only reason I found out what happened is because my mother said I was going on the trip before I had told her about it's existence, and obviously with some digging I understood why. Truthfully, traveling in groups is uncomfortable for me, but I'll go since it is already paid for and I'm sure I'll enjoy it overseas. Yet, I still can't help but wonder exactly what they were thinking with this action. I really do.

Rotten Apple

2006-06-23T02:06:17Z

I can't believe Death Note did that to me. Raito should have been the one to die. No one likes him. Right after I said the comic was looking good, too. Raito gives us psychotic types bent on taking over the world from behind the scenes a bad name. Oh well, they aren't my characters so that's the end of that. Eh, to be honest almost all the characters in my stories have a fair bit of misfortune in their lives as well, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to actually kill one of them. Eeh... maybe... no, probably not. Tsk, I'm such a softie, it's pathetic. Though, creative writing will be an interesting class. Senior year will be interesting in itself, probably. High school can truly be a worthless place when socializing isn't important to a person.

And... when I say that, what is the point in being upset with me? If I am with you, if I talk to you... I would not do that if I did not wish to. No matter how much knowledge one gains on something, what is still is, if you can understand me. There's not much I can do about the vibes I give out, since the only people who could explain it to me don't feel them. How many people have thought about what ties their friends to them? Since many people fear change, they often stick around friends that have lost what initially attracted the other, and this makes in harder to determine why.

I wonder, is it still kindness if deep down you know you only act kind to have something to do? Intentions sure are complicated, but it seems... inhuman, almost, to base things purely on action. Sort of like that saying, "If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" When a truth stands alone and no one else knows about it, won't it just fade away into some kind of chaos? Testing this would be most interesting. The method of redefining reality through annihilation. Hm...

Old Music

2006-06-21T23:44:37Z

When I was looking for one of my sketchbooks yesterday I found my huge case of 70's and 80's music cassettes. Unfortunately, between the friends that forgot to return my stuff and my brother that breaks everything I had no remaining players... that worked anyway. So, in my never ending quest to avoid work I have been reading the entirety of the Death Note series and changing my dear old music to a mp3 format. Just on a side note... Sade's song "Smooth Operator" really reminds me of Cowboy Bebop. It's uncanny. I've been singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" since I woke up, accent and all. You know you want to see that. (<_<)

Death Note turned out better than I had surmised. When I was in the store the art style had sparked my interest and I had flipped through the first chapter and was thinking, "So a snotty teenage pretty boy finds notebook and kills people. 'Kay, then." Earlier this month someone sent one hundred chapters of it, and it was just taking up space so I decided to just read it to avoid drawing and well, I like it. Go figure. The beginning proved difficult to sift through, but once it picked up and "L" (Yay L! ^_^) made an appearance it got to be fairly readable. Plot aside, the character art meets the standards with a more realistic style, but I find the background art lacking effort. Sort of like my stuff, heh. I just don't have the patience for it. I fail. *leans back in chair* Oh well, at least I still have my popsicles. Seriously, I've been living off these things for about two days now. The only actual meal I ever eat is dinner since I have to make it. It's bothersome, though if it wasn't for that I would probably make my anemia even worse, which would in turn sap away all my strength, making my respiratory system even worse. Bah, I say.

Speaking of dinner, I have to go make that. Hm... I think I will cook some chicken and use wild rice for a side. I guess green beans would go best with that for a vegetable, and I have to use up the pears too. All right then.

New Look

2006-06-20T03:42:30Z

Curse you, wasted youth! All I did was get another haircut and play video games all day. Ehck. I need to socialize more, but everyone is still far away, even though it is summer or they are busy or they just don't feel up to doing things. Oh well, the haircut makes me look a helluva lot different, but I sort of took a nap and messed it up, so the pictures will have to wait until tomorrow. Though, maybe I should just make people see it in person, so I can see that shock. Maybe I should go all out with this look change and actually purchase some make-up stuff.

...When my haircut was done, the hairdresser said I should get one of those collars because it would be a neat addition to the style. Yeah, I know a few of you will get a kick out of that...people... just because I coincidentally like a couple people with those necklaces does NOT mean I have a freaking fetish. I need to go get some earrings now that my ears are showing again. Maybe that will take the focus off how strangely small they are. I only got about three hours of sleep last ~~night~~ morning since I stayed up until four and realized, "Oh no, I have to be somewhere at ten tomorrow and I still need to sketch the haircut I want." Unfortunately, I had no ideas, so I started browsing my computer's files for ideas until I found this sort of emo-ish one in my show screenshots. You don't want to know what show I got it from, but you can probably guess, based on what I have been watching recently. I'm sorry, but I really needed to come up with something, and it ended up looking really good on me. The color is a really pretty dark brown/dark grey/slightly reddish hue.

So... what show have I been watching that has an emo kid with a short, dark haircut in it? Figure that out, and add some long bangs over the left eye, and that's my haircut. Yay for not having to style it for half an hour everyday anymore.

(Insert Death Wail)

2006-06-18T00:56:32Z

Jack: This... this is where I'm staying?
Leonard: Yep.
*flies buzz around the bunks*
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Leonard: When you're done with your death wails, come inside.
Jack: NOOOOO! All right.

I just love their opinion of sixteen year olds in this game. (<_<) At first I was severely disappointed with this game since I loved Star Ocean so much *cough* Albel *cough* but it is growing on me a little bit. I have yet to find a character I can stand, but there's hope yet. The graphics and voice acting leave a little to be desired, but it's an okay game. Some of the scenes admittedly leave you a little light hearted, and the best thing is you can kick people you don't like. (Not like I don't do that in real life, but whatever.)

Several of my friends are becoming concerned with my Naruto addiction. I honestly cannot explain it. I still have about forty episodes to go, too, so I don't know what I'll do. My god, I've become a Narutard. *hugs knees* I just don't know anymore. Even that emo kid Sasuke is starting to get on my good side. I know you people don't want to hear this, but some of the storyline can actually be pretty decent, and there are NINJAS. You know you like ninjas. My favorite character is probably either Gaara or Shikamaru. I need to hurry and get through this phase before I turn into one of those thirteen year olds who wrap towels around their heads to take a ninja MySpace picture.

Heh, I bought some pants in the men's sleepwear section. The legs are longer than those in the women's section, and good lord are they comfortable. They aren't made out of that stupid uncomfortable silk stuff that feels like some kind of cheap lingerie. Ug, when I walked out of the room to show my mother, she said, "AAAW HOW CUTE!!" and as true as that may be it still upset me a little. Really, I don't do cute. It's just wrong, like putting a sweater vest on a tiger or something. Just no. Bad. She kept trying to get me in a dress, too. I was about ready to just walk back to the car and drive home without her.

It seems like all my friends like to wear something different when they sleep. I always don some kind of light material pants and either a tank top or an office shirt, depending on the weather. I always want a lot of pillows and blankets to curl up with, too. When I'm in a hotel I usually take the pillows of the chairs and couches in the room. People always tell my I'm warm but for some reason I'm always freezing, especially at night when it's cold all the time. I'm fairly cold right now, too, so I'm going to go find a blanket.

Heading For The Seams

2006-06-15T22:23:18Z

Which hand do you drink coffee with? For me, I suppose it depends on the day. When I'm being productive (omfg) I plop in my left hand so I can write or draw or shoot a gun. *bang* Days like today I just hold it in my right hand and prop my head up with my left while I stare into a book. On my emo days I curl up in a blanket and hold it with both hands to try and capture some of its warmth before it gets away. Then there are the days where I hold it with no hands and spill it all over myself. Today might turn into one of those days, you know. Mm...

Me oh my, I'm so tired. One pot of coffee down, but this lack of sleep is... well, nothing new I guess. *tsk* Insomnia's a bugger, I'll tell you. It doesn't really help that on the rare occasion I do manage to remain asleep, my little brother is up running around and throwing my legos everywhere at the crack of dawn. Noisy kids, sheesh. (<_<) I was actually a very reserved child, but I wandered off... a lot. I stood out though, so I was easy enough to find. Eh. I was as reckless as I am now, heh. I had more scrapes and bruises than any boy.

eriako @ 2006-06-07T14:07:00

2006-06-07T19:42:53Z

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I sort of want to sleep, but it's a little hard. At least I will be home alone, so I can just read. Heh, reading is my favorite past time, despite everything. Storytelling... I guess I liked that more than I thought. What a loser.

À l'enfer avec lui.
You hear?

The senior picture information came in the mail today, so those will probably be unflattering as always. Tsk, I don't really think I'm ugly. Different maybe, but not ugly. I try not to stand out usually, since it is troublesome. My goal isn't to seduce the world. My expressions ooze sarcasm.

I think I'm going mildly insane, since I keep hearing things. Oh well, I finally found someone who would adopt my tortoise Poke. I liked the grumpy little guy, but this adoption was still a good thing. Poke has a few good decades left in his life, and I doubt my family would take good care of him. Though, my father was the one who brought it home randomly. Imbéciles, I always have to end up doing everything.

I wish I could put in for a transfer. Oh well, ultimately I suppose I am choosing to do this.

My Jaw Still Hurts

2006-06-05T02:18:01Z

Did you know that I have this amazing ability to pick out the one video game in the rental store that doesn't work? That french trip meeting was so pointless. Oh well, I won't have to deal with another one until the sixth of July so I guess I'll live. I still sort of wish I could just go by myself, or with erjnhgafs... forget that. Past that.

I left off at the Taco Hut, right? We took a plastic knife as a souvenir and somehow got onto a forbidden topic that isn't getting brought up again. Since Target was right across the street we went there for no reason, and left with sweet candy and a big bouncy ball (blue with sparkles) that our parents never would buy us except that one time. Then things get a little hazy because by then I was half-conscious cause the pain flared up. I carried myself pretty well though, and we came up with the idea of getting tons of energy drinks... and I don't remember much after that. I cannot cope with caffeine very well since I rarely have it, even at my age. It took my mind off the pain at least, but I probably was acting kind of obnoxious. Well, moreso than normally.

Oh, for some reason we went to IHOP around eleven at night... like I said, it's all hazy from my caffeine overdose. I was probably twitching by the time I got home. My word of advice is to not take a sleeping pill after energy drinks. It makes your stomach cry. I think one of my friends put this into the perfect wording, "...What?"

I sort of wish I could go out tonight, though. Oh well, I have books to read and some things to mull over. On a random note, my mother said she met someone that really reminded her of the feeling she gets when she is around me. I thought that was interesting, as I have only ever met three people with a similar effect as me. I am mildly curious about how people feel around me, but... neh. It's different for everyone.

I should probably go change the bandages. I scraped my legs something awful in my sleep last night. Erk, hopefully I won't get like that in France, since I have to wear a skirt and what have you. It's funny, it isn't like I have nightmares that often or anything. My dreams are almost always lucid. What the hell, I guess.

point and laugh

2006-06-04T15:51:42Z

Well, my jaw hurts. Yesterday turned out to be fairly interesting, and although I don't typically post about my daily happenings in any detail I might now. I was just going to spend the day watching Naruto so I could get this weird phase out of my system, but then the Proverbial Ostrich popped in and we watched Ouran Host Club instead. Around five to six we got bored and kind of went to the mall for no real reason. Seriously, all we did was was in two big circles around the place and left, since that was when she remembered the thing she wanted to buy was at Kohls. (<_<) So... Kohls was pretty normal. I kept poking the Proverbial Ostrich to see the exaggerated reactions, but compared to her yelling "manboobs" in the parking lot the place wasn't all that exciting. We debated going to Old Country Buffet and eating mass amounts of ice cream, but then decided our mid-evening snack (that was most certainly just a snack, so it does not count) would be at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut (that is most certainly the Taco Hut, and not the stupid Pizza Bell, so there). Pizza Bell...

Since that was only a snack and absolutely nothing more, there is no need to discuss what was ordered. (>_>) Sheesh though, is it so hard to make covers that fit the freaking cups?! That thing was one hell of a formidable foe, I must say. Anyway, I need to get ready for that stupid French trip information meeting. I'll post later, I suppose.

Us Beautiful Psychotic Types

2006-06-02T19:36:47Z

Fourteen hours of straight sleep and mulling things over helped a bit. Still in my unhappy corner though...

It makes things more interesting when your center of balance has been thrown out the window. Now that I am wearing my glasses more often, I probably look like one of those"shadow king" type characters who are always half lurking in the shadows and smirking. Or maybe I just look like an idiot.

I am really ticked off at myself for the grade I received on my College Algebra final. Lord knows I could care less about school and grades, but when people think I am dumb I get annoyed. Yeah, that mindset does clash a lot. Ah, I wish it would sink in, but my eternal "not going to give a damn" attitude will be the death of me. This is all so bothersome, really. To be fair, the calmness has its strong points too. No matter how bad I feel, I manage to at least be rational. I am able to manipulate every single member of my family as if they had puppet strings attached to their limbs. Just one time of losing my cool would have ruined that ability. It is so wonderful, being able to turn something unplanned into a strong asset.

Even though I am the person that I utterly despise the most, I am still pretty full of myself. (-_^) Seeya in hell, buddies.

eriako @ 2006-06-01T14:48:00

2006-06-01T20:11:29Z

(You might want to ignore this post.)

This does not feel like summer. I refuse to think summer could start out this badly. Been a while now since this side of me came out of the shadows. I thought this was under control... but guess I am just damned. Crying would be really nice, but I just can't. People think I am acting tough when I say that, but all I have ever managed to do was stare out at the distance. Funny how this whole situation makes me feel even more worthless, since I know full well that moping around never solves anything. AUGH!

The world... I like it, I really do, but sleeping sounds so wonderful. I try so hard not to constantly complain. I'm so tired, though. That's not a choice though. Even if I am worthless in every other way, I gave my word on that. Living alone seems nice. That way it can just be me and my time. People are nice and all, but I just don't think we are right for each other.

I'm too young to say everyone who I could talk to is gone. I'm just too young.

That Boy Needs Therapy

2006-05-31T23:10:50Z

I need sleep. Grafakles.

[J]: heeeeey. guess what I have?
[E]: psychotic tendencies?
[J]: noooooot at the moment
[E]: a fah-ncy hat?
[J]: an orange popsicle! -lick-

Ever since that I have really, really wanted a popsicle. I like blue-raspberry. *happy thoughts* I am such a little fat girl at heart...

Studying. That's what I'm doing... just not really. Tomorrow I have my last two finals, which would be AP Literature and Morality. Religion made me fall asleep. Lying out in the sun wasn't the brightest idea ever, but lord am I pale. I'm not the biggest fan of tans, but it does look good on me. My new swimsuit is mildly flattering, believe it or not. My two piece served its purpose, but it gets a little annoying having to um, check things. Yeeeaaah.

I've had my driving permit for almost two years now and I still don't have my license. Loser. The plan right now is to have a three day crash course about a week into summer vacation. Driving a manual transmission car turns me psychotic, though. Why my dad bought a brand new car just to put a stick shift in it is beyond my realm of thought. At this point, I would rather just drive the Buick Le Sabre. I'm 5'6" and I can't see over the steering wheel of that beast.

Car = Fiery Death (But hey, at least I won't have to take AP Calculus next year.)